Friday, January 1, 2016

A journal of grief and healing Part Two

>It seems like there was some some invisible line we crossed when it all of the sudden wasn't hard to be at home by myself any more. I didn't break down into a full on sob every single day and full on sobs just became an occasional thing. Church became ok again. Holding a baby became ok again. People that I ran into stopped asking questions and stopped asking for details. The ache in my heart became a little more tolerable. I can't pinpoint it and I don't know how or why. Part of me thinks it kind of happened when Andy went to the Navajo nation and I realized I did better than I thought I would without him. I do find myself on the verge of tears at least several times a day but for some reason I won't allow myself to go there. Mother's Day was the first time in a while that I really let it all out. 5.21.14   12:18am

>I frequently go back to my posts about Indira and read they comments from friends, family, people I know, and people I don't know at all. It brings me comfort to read their kind, supportive, reassuring, loving words. It encourages me to keep moving forward. We weren't meant to go through this life alone. We were meant to have wonderful, fulfilling relationships so that we can care for each other and support one another in our times of need. 6.8.14   1:08 am

>Talking to Indira and truly, 100% focusing on her in that moment and what she's doing in that exact moment makes me feel close to her. I spoke to her on my way up to pick Andy up from work. Really spoke to her. Then when we were climbing and I was belaying Andy in the dark and it was getting chilly, I could feel her there. She brought me peace in my time of need. I need to make more quiet time to focus on her and when she's with me. 6.8.14. 1:10am

>A few days ago I had a very distinct impression that Indi's whole existence in the spirit world revolves around our family and our friends here on earth. With that many people to look after, she's got her work cut out for her.  6.8.14   1:11am

>It's amazing how much guilt there is on so many levels. Guilt that I couldn't protect her. Guilt that I wasn't more forthcoming with my intuitions and feelings about what was going on. Guilt that my body couldn't provide her with a safe home. Guilt that life moves forward and I must too. Guilt that I go out and have fun. Guilt that I'm doing things I probably wouldn't have been doing if she were here. It goes on and on. 6.8.14   1:16 am

>When people tell me, "I don't know how you do it!! I wouldn't be able to get out of bed ever if that happened to me." I know they're probably trying to tell me that they think I'm strong for being able to get up and work and bike, and climb and all that stuff, but part of me feels like they're really trying to say, "gosh, why aren't you more sad? How come you've gotten over it so easily?"  6.10.14   11:41 pm

>I'm not "moving on" I'm "moving forward."   6.10.14   11:42pm

>It wasn't until about two weeks ago that it really sank in that if we win a lawsuit that money would be part of the outcome. The money wasn't even on my radar until now. I don't even want "revenge." I just want justice/consequence for being a neglectful doctor. He can't just walk away from something like that and feel like everything is fine and dandy. He needs to man up, grow some balls, and take responsibility for his actions/inaction.  6.10.14  11:45pm

>Andy always tells me that even if he brings Indi up in a conversation, and opens that door to talk about her, people still avoid it. I feel sad for him. Just like any parent, we want to talk about our kid. She's who we are now. She's our life, even if she isn't here. 6.10.14   11:46 pm

>People tell us that they can't believe it's already been four months and that's it's completely flown by. That it seems like it happened just yesterday. For us though, this has been the longest four months of my life. It feels like it's been years since I held her in my arms, since I kissed her little cheeks and nuzzled her little nose. 6.10.14   11:50pm

>Watching father of the bride part two while Andy was out of town was not a wise choice. 6.10.14   11:51pm

>"She lived her whole life inside of you."  -Andy. 12:16am    6.16.14

>How is it that I can miss/ache for someone so much that I never saw alive with my own two eyes? How can I miss and love someone so much that I don't even “know?” How can I miss something so greatly that never really was? 6.20.14  1:46 am

>I wonder what spirits Indi has met. Surely not just family. Influential people to the human race, past church leaders, political figures? Who knows...  6.27.14.    12:59 am

>Things people shouldn't say:   
I know everything's going be perfect with your next pregnancy.
It's good you're starting to move on
At least we can know that everything happens for a reason.
You're so lucky you get to sleep all the way through the night at least.
Can you imagine how much harder it would've been to lose her had she lived longer and been older?
She was too perfect for this life
Heavenly Father needed her up there more than you needed her down here.
You accepted this in the pre-earth life
She's in a better place.
Everything will work out how it's supposed to.
Wasn't that weird for her to come out of the cooler in the morning and hold her while she was all cold?  
You're the cool mom because you don't really have anyone to look out for so you can just have fun.
I can't believe you've moved on so quickly. I'd still be attached to my bed and wouldn't be able to get out. You're just so strong, I guess.
You had a stillborn? Oh, my neighbor just had a miscarriage. While I truly do feel very sorry for your neighbor, It feels like you're not truly listening to me. (I'm not saying that my experience is more important or worse than your neighbor's, a loss is a loss no matter what way, shape, or form, I just need you to focus on me, selfishly.)

>I would respect someone so much if they came to me when someone else they know goes through our same tragedy and asks me what are things to say and not to say and how they can help them. 6.28.14.  12:33am

>Someone reminded me that I always knew that my pregnancies would be complicated. I would always talk to her about that. She thinks that maybe as soon as I started to have those thoughts long before I was pregnant that those thoughts were seeds that Heavenly Father placed in me to see if I could handle and accept this challenge.  6.28.14.  12:42am

>"What if" and "why" are very human responses   6.28.14  12:53am

>Sometimes I feel gas or digestion moving through my abdomen when I'm lying down at night and for a split second I think I'm pregnant. Sometimes it feels exactly like Indi just shifting or moving slightly. Then I snap back and I know I'm not pregnant. 7.6.14   1:27am

>Sometimes I feel like it was all just a dream and that Indi is totally fine and they're going to call me any day now and tell me they got it all wrong and that she's happy and healthy and alive and we can come pick her up from the hospital whenever we want.

>You are my daughter and I don't know you. 7.30.14.   12:15am

>How often are you so close to me that if I reached out, I would be able to touch you? How can I truly know you're here with me? sometimes I feel guilty like I'm a bad mom or not in tune with the spirit well enough because I SHOULD know and feel when you're near. How do I know? I have felt you but in a way I can't remember it. 7.30.14.   12:20am

>I feel you drifting away. The farther we get away from your birth, the more it seems like a dream. I don't feel close to that spirit that was in our room together. How do I get that back? What do I need to change? I need to be obedient. I need to get back on track. 8.24.14  9:56am

>Church is still hard. So many babies and children. What would it be like to have her here. I am watching a dad rock his new baby in the car seat as they listen in sacrament. It seems like second nature for that dad right now. Was that father naturally nurturing and did he naturally know what to do with his child as soon as he was born? Maybe he was but most likely the father wasn't. Andy is gentle and kind with children and has so much fun with them but I don't think these other nurturing things necessarily come natural him. But with becoming a father (and mother), you learn these things very quickly and it becomes second nature very quickly. I find myself feelin a ping of grief and sadness when I think of Andy being nurturing and seeing him fall into the father roll. Becoming comfortable with his new role. I long to see him rock a baby in church and even change a diaper. I long to see Indira asleep on his chest. I long to see him get up with her in the night. I long to see him prepare a bottle or wash her little clothes. It's not fair. He should be a well oiled father machine by now. But he's not. And I'm not a well oiled mother machine. I feel like a fake. 8.24.14  10:02

>Now that we know that a lawyer has said that there is enough evidence to win a case, my anger towards dr jones creeps up again. There's something satisfying yet heartbreaking to know that she could've been saved and she could've been here. It's hard to think that way but it's true. It's not just, "oh it was meant to be and we'll never know why."  Although that's still somewhat true, it's not the only thought we have to go on. Something did go wrong. Dr jones did fail us. She could be here. 8.24.14. 10:33am

>Someone told me today that because of being open about my symptoms and what was going on with me right before Indi died, that they were able to tell a friend that had very similar symptoms to mine, go get checked by their doctor. Sure enough, this woman had cholestasis and the baby was delivered early the next day. Part of me is obviously thrilled that because of my willingness to share, this woman was able to have a healthy baby but the other part of me is angry that this couldn't be me and jealous that she had a doctor that listened to her.

>Two nights ago, I had the most realistic dream that I was pregnant. I put my hand on my belly and I felt a baby roll around. I grabbed Andy's hand and he felt her too. I knew it was a baby girl but I was so small so I wasn't very far along. My heart aches. 8.28.14   9:48 pm

>I'm feeling so left out. I want so badly to be pregnant like everyone else. Only really been trying three months. Why does it feel like years? 8.28.14.  9:51pm

>The thought just struck me that if I have any other daughters it would be beautiful to give them "Indira" as a middle name instead of carrying on Usha. I love the middle name Usha but might be time to start a new tradition of "Indira" being a middle name. 9.1.14   11:25pm

>Hope is a place I go to to feel peace and comfort. Hope, in a way, is a knowledge. I hope for the future, the day I hold my sweet Indi. Because I have a knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, I can hope for that day when we are reunited. But that doesn't make this loss any easier. Hope ebbs and flows. At times I feel despair and that this pain will never end. That the time I must wait until I see her again is never going to come. Waiting is agonizing. --- Hope is comforting.  Hope is necessary to survive. Without hope, there is no meaning to life. There are also varying degrees of hope.  --- I hope I get to work on time, I hope everything goes well for my mom in surgery. Hope can also be deeper in your soul. I hope that the pain will become less sharp. That the edges will smooth, and I can go to the space in my heart without so much ache and sorrow.  9.3.14.   8:25am

1 comment:

  1. People did not seriously say all of those things!!! Ah! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts! I'm so sorry about your doctor. It's heart wrenching and maddening. :(